In two weeks, I will return to work from leave and from the three greatest months of my life. I know it's only for a short time, but the idea of even being gone for two months has been killing me. I'm blessed that my wonderful in-laws will be coming down to watch her, so I know she will be with people w ho love her. But I can't help but think that she won't be with the person best suited to love and care for her in the world: me.
I don't remember very much about my mom. I remember little things, like her picking a dry frosted flake from my cereal bowl once and what her hand looked like as she did so. I remember her voice and especially her laugh, low and throaty. I remember her reading the Wizard of Oz to us on a road trip. And I remember a song she used to sing to me called "The Little Blue Man." It was funny and silly and cute, and it has stayed in my head for twenty plus years. " 'I wub you, I wub you,' said the little blue man."
As little as I remember about her, I know that my mom loved me because all of those cute little things she did. I try to do things like this for Baby Girl every day. But it terrifies me to think that something could happen where she wouldn't remember me and those little things. And more than that, it terrifies me to think that she could ever doubt that I love her more than anything. More than everything. I know that she feels perfectly loved right now. I see it in her grin a hundred times a day. I see it in the way she scrunches her little hands up to her face when I'm hugging her and kissing her perfect, round cheeks. I feel it in the way that she snuggles against me when I'm holding her. The idea that one day this could change - that she could forget how perfectly I love her because something happens to me or, worse still, that she could simply feel unloved for any reason whatsoever - causes me physical pain. My gut and throat and face hurt just thinking about it. Which I've been doing far too often as I've realized that I'm returning to work in two weeks. Thirteen days, actually. That countdown looms over me.
Baby Girl, I love you. Please don't feel like I'm abandoning you for these two months that I can already promise you will be two of the hardest of my life. Please never forget that I waited eight years for the privilege of being your mom, and I would have waited 80 just for the chance to hold you. You are perfect and beautiful and clever and sweet and strong and so, so silly. You have turned an already happy life into something transcendent. Please, please never forget that.
I love you more than everything.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Monday, September 17, 2012
How it All Went Down - Part III
We were at the hospital bright and early Tuesday morning with Pepsi in hand for FaveGirl and her mom, who had spent the night in the hospital. I was blown away by how gracious FG was about us holding Baby Girl virtually all day and how, just like the day before, she only held her if we offered (which we tried to do often). It was humbling to see how much she viewed Baby Girl as our daughter from such an early stage. Of course, with all of the miraculous spiritual promptings and signs she and her family had received, it seemed natural. Being around FG and her family felt natural, too, something I hadn't expected despite how comfortable we'd felt around them throughout the process.
We spent a beautiful day together, watching the hospital's mandatory new baby videos and laughing at them, to some extent ("Wait, you're not supposed to shake your baby?" "So, let me get this straight, car seats are important?"). We switched between those and "Walker, Texas Ranger" reruns. 22 and I are big on watching and making fun of lame television, so it was fun to do that with FG and her rotating cast of family and her best friend. It was effortless, and it gave us insight into what Baby Girl will be like with the combination of nature and nurture. FG is a really introspective, observant person, as well as being humble and clever. She has a great read on people, and a good eye for the absurd. She's like 22 in those respects. But then she's sassy, wry, and she can be outgoing - even outspoken and passionate - in the right setting. Like me. So 22 and I see in her many characteristics of what we would expect to cultivate in our own daughter. She had even noticed how 22 can get uncomfortable with the spotlight on him, so she made a point of teasing him about that and putting him a little on the spot. It was delightful. Sharing the day together like this was special, and when it was time for us to take Elsie home and for FG to get discharged, it was sad to say goodbye.
When we got home, my brother and his wife were there with two of their three kids.
They had food and a goodie basket for Baby Girl with clothes, blankets, baby hygiene products, and more. Talk about a huge blessing. BG was so little that none of the things I'd bought for her would fit her, but my amazing sister-in-law found small enough newborn stuff that it fit perfectly. She's sort of magic that way. Seeing my brother hold my daughter made us both cry.
We spent a few hours all marveling and staring at her, and then they went home and 22 and I stared at her the rest of the night in lieu of sleeping.
I really can't describe how we felt having her at home with us that night. The closest way to explain it is this - you know the very, very end of Kill Bill vol. 2? (It's on cable about twice a week, so you can catch it anytime you want to.) When Beatrix Kiddo is lying on the bathroom floor crying and laughing and saying "Thank you, thank you, thank you." That's how it felt. When we prayed that night, we actually laughed with joy as we thanked our Heavenly Father for the miracle that we'd just received in BG. It was the most beautiful prayer of my life. Hubsters gave our daughter a Father's Blessing that night, too, and it was more of the same: beautiful and tender and beyond special to see my husband blessing his daughter. I fell in love with him more at that moment. I hadn't realized that was possible.
The next day and a half were filled with bottles, diapers, naps, and an abundance of joy. Every cry (of which there were truly few) was a pleasure to respond to, as it still is. The late night/early morning wake ups were met with delight on our part. There was also a lot more awe-induced staring.
Then came Thursday. Signing day. The day FG could legally place Baby Girl with us permanently. Or not. When we thought of FG and our relationship, we felt totally confident in the outcome. When we prayed, we felt at peace. But when we thought for a moment of the other possibility, we felt devastated. Our hearts were totally open and totally Baby Girl's. The thought of losing her was more than we could process, but the fear was there. Faith and fear cannot coexist, and we felt those extremes that day a thousand times.
The placement ceremony was at 4 PM at LDS Family Services in Mesa. We had everything planned to leave early so we could get FG flowers and then have time to change and feed Baby Girl before everything started. We had just strapped Elsie into the car seat and were heading out when spit up exploded out of her mouth and nose. We freaked. Was this a sign? 22 was trembling so badly, he couldn't take her out of the car seat, so I sang a little song (the Pie Song) to her while I tried to act far cooler than I felt. I took her out, cleaned her up, put her in a new outfit, and then strapped her back in her seat, singing the whole time. Needless to say, we forewent the flowers.
Our 35 minute drive to LDS Family Services brought us a lifetime worth of highs and lows. We arrived at the agency about ten minutes early and chatted with our case worker while we started feeding Baby Girl. This wasn't strategic to show what attentive parents we already were. She was hungry. I promise. My brother and his family showed up a little before 4 PM, as did one of FG's brothers and his wife. Soon, more of FG's family rolled in. By 20 after, FG and her parents, though, still weren't there. 22 and I were getting nervous at this point. We were half convinced we'd see them strolling in with a car seat in tow, ready to take Baby Girl back. But at about 4:25 PM, FG walked in, smiled, and said something to the effect of, "Hey guys! I'll talk to you in a bit after I sign the papers."
Dude.
So, she went to a room with our case workers and her dad to sign the papers. It seemed to take forever, causing more panic. Finally, after a wait that was a cross between six root canals and a violent stomach flu, she emerged, smiling. We grabbed Baby Girl, ran into the room, and signed the &#*@$% papers in record time.
We left the room with stupid grins on our faces and Baby Girl in tow. Then, our case workers asked everyone to share a brief thought about what this experience has meant to them. FG's siblings and parents talked about the positive changes they'd seen in her over the last nine months and what an incredible, selfless person she had become. Her dad said something I'll never forget: in every case since this whole thing started, FG has tried to follow what God wants, not what she wants. When she and her boyfriend messed up, she told her parents and bishop the next day and started the repentance process. When she found out she was pregnant a few months later, she again went to her parents and bishop and they talked about what the Lord's will is for these situations. FG knew there was no chance at a successful marriage with her ex, so in talking to her family and bishop, they all felt strongly that adoption was the right choice. FG decided this because she believed so strongly that Baby Girl deserved and needed to be sealed to an eternal family and needed two parents who could love and support her. She couldn't give Baby Girl that. So as much as it hurt her to consider placing her unborn baby, she also felt good about it, because she knew God wanted it. FG's dad said that through all of this, he's been trying to find the downside. Yes, his daughter made a big mistake, but she has chosen to become a better, stronger person, and we (Jeff and I) have been given a child for eternity.
I see what her dad is saying, and I agree. Everyone makes mistakes. It's what we do with them that counts.
FG and 22, oddly, had virtually identical remarks (she went first). They talked about how they can't describe all that what they've gained from this and how this very meeting was like a glimpse of eternity. It was neat seeing their perspectives from both sides of this experience. As for me, all I could say was that she's like a sister to me, because there's no accurate word to describe what we are to each other. I will love her forever, and I feel so blessed that she will love us all - our little family - too.
After lots of tears and laughs and a sweet father's blessing from FG's dad (with her brothers, 22, and my brother all taking part), we parted ways. (FG and her best friend and sister were going to see the Batman Begins trilogy in the theater, ending with the release of "The Dark Knight Rises." Told you we love her.) On our way home, 22 and I laughed and cried, then called our parents to let them know Elsie was all ours so they could spread the word.
Our next call was to Papa John's to eat our first meal in days. It was the best pizza of my life.
We spent a beautiful day together, watching the hospital's mandatory new baby videos and laughing at them, to some extent ("Wait, you're not supposed to shake your baby?" "So, let me get this straight, car seats are important?"). We switched between those and "Walker, Texas Ranger" reruns. 22 and I are big on watching and making fun of lame television, so it was fun to do that with FG and her rotating cast of family and her best friend. It was effortless, and it gave us insight into what Baby Girl will be like with the combination of nature and nurture. FG is a really introspective, observant person, as well as being humble and clever. She has a great read on people, and a good eye for the absurd. She's like 22 in those respects. But then she's sassy, wry, and she can be outgoing - even outspoken and passionate - in the right setting. Like me. So 22 and I see in her many characteristics of what we would expect to cultivate in our own daughter. She had even noticed how 22 can get uncomfortable with the spotlight on him, so she made a point of teasing him about that and putting him a little on the spot. It was delightful. Sharing the day together like this was special, and when it was time for us to take Elsie home and for FG to get discharged, it was sad to say goodbye.
When we got home, my brother and his wife were there with two of their three kids.
They had food and a goodie basket for Baby Girl with clothes, blankets, baby hygiene products, and more. Talk about a huge blessing. BG was so little that none of the things I'd bought for her would fit her, but my amazing sister-in-law found small enough newborn stuff that it fit perfectly. She's sort of magic that way. Seeing my brother hold my daughter made us both cry.
We spent a few hours all marveling and staring at her, and then they went home and 22 and I stared at her the rest of the night in lieu of sleeping.
I really can't describe how we felt having her at home with us that night. The closest way to explain it is this - you know the very, very end of Kill Bill vol. 2? (It's on cable about twice a week, so you can catch it anytime you want to.) When Beatrix Kiddo is lying on the bathroom floor crying and laughing and saying "Thank you, thank you, thank you." That's how it felt. When we prayed that night, we actually laughed with joy as we thanked our Heavenly Father for the miracle that we'd just received in BG. It was the most beautiful prayer of my life. Hubsters gave our daughter a Father's Blessing that night, too, and it was more of the same: beautiful and tender and beyond special to see my husband blessing his daughter. I fell in love with him more at that moment. I hadn't realized that was possible.
The next day and a half were filled with bottles, diapers, naps, and an abundance of joy. Every cry (of which there were truly few) was a pleasure to respond to, as it still is. The late night/early morning wake ups were met with delight on our part. There was also a lot more awe-induced staring.
Then came Thursday. Signing day. The day FG could legally place Baby Girl with us permanently. Or not. When we thought of FG and our relationship, we felt totally confident in the outcome. When we prayed, we felt at peace. But when we thought for a moment of the other possibility, we felt devastated. Our hearts were totally open and totally Baby Girl's. The thought of losing her was more than we could process, but the fear was there. Faith and fear cannot coexist, and we felt those extremes that day a thousand times.
The placement ceremony was at 4 PM at LDS Family Services in Mesa. We had everything planned to leave early so we could get FG flowers and then have time to change and feed Baby Girl before everything started. We had just strapped Elsie into the car seat and were heading out when spit up exploded out of her mouth and nose. We freaked. Was this a sign? 22 was trembling so badly, he couldn't take her out of the car seat, so I sang a little song (the Pie Song) to her while I tried to act far cooler than I felt. I took her out, cleaned her up, put her in a new outfit, and then strapped her back in her seat, singing the whole time. Needless to say, we forewent the flowers.
Our 35 minute drive to LDS Family Services brought us a lifetime worth of highs and lows. We arrived at the agency about ten minutes early and chatted with our case worker while we started feeding Baby Girl. This wasn't strategic to show what attentive parents we already were. She was hungry. I promise. My brother and his family showed up a little before 4 PM, as did one of FG's brothers and his wife. Soon, more of FG's family rolled in. By 20 after, FG and her parents, though, still weren't there. 22 and I were getting nervous at this point. We were half convinced we'd see them strolling in with a car seat in tow, ready to take Baby Girl back. But at about 4:25 PM, FG walked in, smiled, and said something to the effect of, "Hey guys! I'll talk to you in a bit after I sign the papers."
Dude.
So, she went to a room with our case workers and her dad to sign the papers. It seemed to take forever, causing more panic. Finally, after a wait that was a cross between six root canals and a violent stomach flu, she emerged, smiling. We grabbed Baby Girl, ran into the room, and signed the &#*@$% papers in record time.
We left the room with stupid grins on our faces and Baby Girl in tow. Then, our case workers asked everyone to share a brief thought about what this experience has meant to them. FG's siblings and parents talked about the positive changes they'd seen in her over the last nine months and what an incredible, selfless person she had become. Her dad said something I'll never forget: in every case since this whole thing started, FG has tried to follow what God wants, not what she wants. When she and her boyfriend messed up, she told her parents and bishop the next day and started the repentance process. When she found out she was pregnant a few months later, she again went to her parents and bishop and they talked about what the Lord's will is for these situations. FG knew there was no chance at a successful marriage with her ex, so in talking to her family and bishop, they all felt strongly that adoption was the right choice. FG decided this because she believed so strongly that Baby Girl deserved and needed to be sealed to an eternal family and needed two parents who could love and support her. She couldn't give Baby Girl that. So as much as it hurt her to consider placing her unborn baby, she also felt good about it, because she knew God wanted it. FG's dad said that through all of this, he's been trying to find the downside. Yes, his daughter made a big mistake, but she has chosen to become a better, stronger person, and we (Jeff and I) have been given a child for eternity.
I see what her dad is saying, and I agree. Everyone makes mistakes. It's what we do with them that counts.
FG and 22, oddly, had virtually identical remarks (she went first). They talked about how they can't describe all that what they've gained from this and how this very meeting was like a glimpse of eternity. It was neat seeing their perspectives from both sides of this experience. As for me, all I could say was that she's like a sister to me, because there's no accurate word to describe what we are to each other. I will love her forever, and I feel so blessed that she will love us all - our little family - too.
After lots of tears and laughs and a sweet father's blessing from FG's dad (with her brothers, 22, and my brother all taking part), we parted ways. (FG and her best friend and sister were going to see the Batman Begins trilogy in the theater, ending with the release of "The Dark Knight Rises." Told you we love her.) On our way home, 22 and I laughed and cried, then called our parents to let them know Elsie was all ours so they could spread the word.
Our next call was to Papa John's to eat our first meal in days. It was the best pizza of my life.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
How it all went down - Part II
On July 15th, 22 and I went to dinner at FaveGirl's sister's house. It was actually a family birthday party for her cousin, so it was a good chance for us to get to know most of her family pretty well. The evening was really comfortable, as we'd hoped it would be, and we found ourselves feeling more connected than ever to FaveGirl.
When we got home from dinner (they live about an hour away from us), I texted her to thank her for the great time and to let her know how much we'd loved getting to meet everyone. I got a text from her shortly after saying how much they'd enjoyed it, too. By this time, it was around 10 PM. Less than 30 minutes later, I got a phone call from FaveGirl's dad. He said that we'd better pack a bag, because FG's water had just broke.
Ho.Ly.Crap.
He told us that he would call us from the hospital with updates and to get as much rest as we could that night, because it would be the last good night's sleep we'd have in a long time. What he couldn't have known is that we hadn't been sleeping much since the day FG told us she knew we were supposed to be her daughter's parents. What he probably imagined is that we definitely didn't get much sleep that night. With as much composure as two frantic people can have, we hurried about putting together the various items we'd need the second Baby Girl came home. We did laundry with the special dye free/scent free detergent you're supposed to use on baby clothes, watched multiple YouTube videos on how to install a car seat, set up the crib, sterilized bottles, etc, etc, etc.
At 5:30 AM on July 16th, we got a call saying that she wasn't much farther along, so she was being induced. At 1 PM, we got the call to get to the hospital ASAP.
We arrived at around 1:30 PM, and we were ushered straight into FG's hospital room. Her parents were there and her siblings were in and out. She was in good spirit's, particularly as she'd been given an epidural. Her doctor and nurses came in and out, checking on her, at which time 22 would politely leave. We ran downstairs for a snack at around 3:10 PM, and we got a text from FG's dad five minutes later telling us to get back upstairs immediately.
22 stayed outside for the delivery, but FaveGirl wanted me to stay (as did I). Baby Girl made her appearance after only about 25 or 30 minutes (3:45 PM). I saw her the instant she came out. It was the most surreal experience of my life. She was tiny! 5 lbs, 11 oz, 18.5 inches long. And with a ton of hair. But, she also was blue and had a crazy Pharaoh-esque cone head. I was awestruck, though, because as bizarre as that was, she was beautiful. They asked me what her name was, and I told them. In that moment, I thought to myself, "Oh my gosh, is that really my baby?" As the nurse started cleaning her up, FG's mom waved me over to see her, and the second I saw her up close, I was through. All in. Done. In total and complete love. The nurse finished cleaning her up, and she asked me if I wanted to trim the umbilical cord more. I did it, and then she swaddled her up and gave her to me to hold. I don't even think I cried for the dumb grin plastered on my face. Then I remembered that Jeff didn't know.
A half hour after she delivered, FaveGirl was in a state to receive visitors, and 22 got to come in and see Baby Girl. It was beautiful to see his face - normally rather nonchalant - light up.
We stayed until late that night, holding Baby Girl and supporting FaveGirl and her family. FG was fantastic - already speaking to the reality she knew in her heart, that Baby Girl was ours. She didn't hold her unless we asked her if she wanted to, and she asked us if it was okay for anyone else to come in or hold her, etc. We felt really blessed by her love for us and Baby Girl. And her love for Baby Girl was obvious. When she'd hold her, she just stared with her heart in her eyes. It was very touching, and it only increased my love and gratitude and awe for FaveGirl.
We left our two girls at the hospital that night (with FG's mom), and went home to try (and fail) to sleep.
When we got home from dinner (they live about an hour away from us), I texted her to thank her for the great time and to let her know how much we'd loved getting to meet everyone. I got a text from her shortly after saying how much they'd enjoyed it, too. By this time, it was around 10 PM. Less than 30 minutes later, I got a phone call from FaveGirl's dad. He said that we'd better pack a bag, because FG's water had just broke.
Ho.Ly.Crap.
He told us that he would call us from the hospital with updates and to get as much rest as we could that night, because it would be the last good night's sleep we'd have in a long time. What he couldn't have known is that we hadn't been sleeping much since the day FG told us she knew we were supposed to be her daughter's parents. What he probably imagined is that we definitely didn't get much sleep that night. With as much composure as two frantic people can have, we hurried about putting together the various items we'd need the second Baby Girl came home. We did laundry with the special dye free/scent free detergent you're supposed to use on baby clothes, watched multiple YouTube videos on how to install a car seat, set up the crib, sterilized bottles, etc, etc, etc.
At 5:30 AM on July 16th, we got a call saying that she wasn't much farther along, so she was being induced. At 1 PM, we got the call to get to the hospital ASAP.
We arrived at around 1:30 PM, and we were ushered straight into FG's hospital room. Her parents were there and her siblings were in and out. She was in good spirit's, particularly as she'd been given an epidural. Her doctor and nurses came in and out, checking on her, at which time 22 would politely leave. We ran downstairs for a snack at around 3:10 PM, and we got a text from FG's dad five minutes later telling us to get back upstairs immediately.
22 stayed outside for the delivery, but FaveGirl wanted me to stay (as did I). Baby Girl made her appearance after only about 25 or 30 minutes (3:45 PM). I saw her the instant she came out. It was the most surreal experience of my life. She was tiny! 5 lbs, 11 oz, 18.5 inches long. And with a ton of hair. But, she also was blue and had a crazy Pharaoh-esque cone head. I was awestruck, though, because as bizarre as that was, she was beautiful. They asked me what her name was, and I told them. In that moment, I thought to myself, "Oh my gosh, is that really my baby?" As the nurse started cleaning her up, FG's mom waved me over to see her, and the second I saw her up close, I was through. All in. Done. In total and complete love. The nurse finished cleaning her up, and she asked me if I wanted to trim the umbilical cord more. I did it, and then she swaddled her up and gave her to me to hold. I don't even think I cried for the dumb grin plastered on my face. Then I remembered that Jeff didn't know.
A half hour after she delivered, FaveGirl was in a state to receive visitors, and 22 got to come in and see Baby Girl. It was beautiful to see his face - normally rather nonchalant - light up.
We stayed until late that night, holding Baby Girl and supporting FaveGirl and her family. FG was fantastic - already speaking to the reality she knew in her heart, that Baby Girl was ours. She didn't hold her unless we asked her if she wanted to, and she asked us if it was okay for anyone else to come in or hold her, etc. We felt really blessed by her love for us and Baby Girl. And her love for Baby Girl was obvious. When she'd hold her, she just stared with her heart in her eyes. It was very touching, and it only increased my love and gratitude and awe for FaveGirl.
We left our two girls at the hospital that night (with FG's mom), and went home to try (and fail) to sleep.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
How it all went down - Part I
The following is an email I sent to my family on July 7th, nine days before Baby Girl was born:
On June 10th, I received an email
from (FaveGirl) regarding our adoption profile. In the email,
she said that she had read our profile, was interested in us
(though she wanted to make sure we knew she wasn't sure about anything yet),
and then said that she had read about my mom having passed away when I was a
kid. She asked if I could send her a picture of Mom, because her dad had
had an "experience" in the temple.
I sent a picture 14 seconds later.
Several days went by with no communication,
and we started to think it must have been nothing. Then five days after I
emailed her, I received her reply saying the picture helped a lot and she
wanted to meet us soon for lunch, if that would be okay. Um, yes.
On June 18th, we met FaveGirl and her
older sister for lunch. We were skeptical and a little hesitant about
meeting her, but we felt good about how accurately we represented ourselves in
our profile, so we were sure that she would get a good read on us. We
just weren't sure what to expect from her. Since the adoption seminar we
attended last November for certification, we've learned that there is a broader
array of birth mothers than we'd originally expected. Yet, we didn't know
what to expect and we were a little fearful that she would be someone we didn't
feel any connection with. We couldn't have been more wrong.
Now for some quick facts about FaveGirl.
She is 19, teaches ballet, and is beautiful, with pale skin and wavy
light brown hair. Her favorite books are anything by Jane Austen, Charles
Dickens, Shakespeare, JK Rowling, JRR Tolkien, or the Bronte Sisters.
London is her favorite city. Her favorite bands are the Smiths, the
Cure, the Specials, Deathcab for Cutie, Mumford and Sons, Sufjan Stevens, and
other such indie and classic alternative legends. She grew up loving the
movies Labyrinth and Legend, and her dream Halloween costume is the dress that
the girl in Legend wears when she's tempted by Tim Curry (AWESOME). She
loves the Simpsons, Young Frankenstein (and Mel Brooks in general), Doctor Who,
and she can quote Anchorman as well as we can. It's honestly spooky.
She said she knows her daughter needs to
have an eternal family, and she can't give her that. Oh, and that's when
she mentioned she's due at the end of July.
In short, she's incredible and we
fell in love with her after 15 minutes. Our connection was immediate and
overwhelming. As 22 put it, we were "blown away" by her
maturity, her ownership of her situation, her coolness, sweetness, and how much
she is seeking to follow the will of the Lord. At lunch, she let us know
that she wanted us to meet her parents, but because of her mom's work, we
wouldn't be able to for a couple of weeks. However, just the day after we
met for lunch, we got an email saying that she felt like we were supposed to be
the parents of her daughter and she wanted us to have the same spiritual
conviction. Again: Um, yes.
We waited for about two weeks, during
which time we exchanged another couple of emails (and suffered through some
silences that felt like ages), but we finally were able to meet with her and
her parents today for a 4.5 hour lunch.
Almost the first thing her dad said
to me was, "You look exactly like your mom." I started crying
immediately. He said that a few months ago, he was at the temple when a
beautiful, thin woman with short blond hair approached him, bowed with her
hands extended, and said "Thank you." He knew in that moment
that she was a relative of the family his granddaughter was supposed to go to.
This was a couple of months before FaveGirl saw our profile. He told
her about the experience, and they looked through every AZ profile on LDS Family
Services for someone who looked like that woman. Ours was the last one
they saw. He told me that when he saw my picture, he felt sure it was us,
but he wanted FaveGirl to feel a connection to us, first. She told him that
she felt really drawn to us, and that's when they decided that they should ask
for the picture of mom. He said when he saw it, it was over for him.
He knew that his granddaughter was going to us, even though he'd rather
be able to keep her. And today, FaveGirl told me that when we met up for
lunch, the moment she saw me, she felt her daughter recognize me.
FaveGirl was really upfront today about
her feeling that this little girl is meant to go to us. We're humbled and
excited by this, but we also know that no matter how perfectly, divinely
orchestrated this seems, it can't trump her agency. We pray (somewhat
obsessively) that she'll have the strength and faith to follow God's will for
this special daughter of his. Her family wants to have an open adoption,
and they'd love as much interaction with us as we're comfortable with, though
they told us they understand that any interaction we have will be on our terms
and with appropriate boundaries. They are fun, really sweet, and very
supportive of FaveGirl. It's obvious that they love this little girl a great
deal and, as hard as it is for them to imagine her not being in their family, they
want what's best for her.
And that's where we are now. We
still have about three weeks to go.... So in the meantime, I'm sure we'll have (more)
sleepless nights and moments of panic and confusion and anxiety and elation and
everything in between.... We're trying hard to keep our
expectations in check. Ultimately we know that anything that happens is out of
our hands, and all we can do is pray.
If you've read to this point, good on
you! Five points to Gryffindor! We love you all and hope to have
more for you soon.
Lots of love, etc.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Remembering Suzy
In the four weeks since Baby Girl has been home, I've thought constantly about my mom and remembered things I haven't thought about in years. Because Baby Girl's adoption happened so quickly, I'm just now thinking how to decorate her room. As I've done so, a poem came to my mind called "Song for a Fifth Child," by Ruth Hulburt Hamilton. My mom had a cross-stitch of the last stanza featuring a woman rocking her baby up in our dining room.
"...cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow,
For babies grow up, we've learned to our sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep."
Sweet, isn't it? I can already understand the feelings that inspired my mom to put up this poem. I take pride in keeping a tidy, comfortable home. But I find myself not minding the things that are out of place as much. Even as I look forward to each new day with Baby Girl, I'm jealous of every day that passes. Babies don't keep. My mom knew that.
Another reminder of my mom has been the Olympics. My mom was sick in 1988 for both the summer and winter Olympics, but I distinctly remember sitting upstairs on the bed with her and watching different events and cheering on the Americans (my poor, displaced, American mother living in Canada. Sigh.). I've loved watching the events even more because of those memories of lying on the bed with my mom.
I've adored getting to make new memories of the Olympics by being at home with Baby Girl throughout the London games, too. Granted, the memories have really been of staring at Baby Girl while I hear a low hum in the background. I've stared at her delightfully expressive little face as she's eaten or started falling asleep or, really, done anything. Whenever I put a bottle in her mouth, she grimaces in disgust and clicks her tongue a few times until it hits her that this is manna from baby heaven, and she partakes with vigor. And when she's falling asleep, she goes from sleepy smiles and giggles to shudders and frowns and little panting sighs in the blink of her half-closed eyes. It's hilarious, and I'm glued to her face.
In fact, I've missed out on significant events because of my enamor of Baby Girl. 22 came home several days ago laughing about the German diver, Stephen Feck, and his epic fail of a backward belly flop. Straight 0s. Knowing that it was all Olympics, all day for me, 22 naturally asked me what I thought. Normally, this is the sort of thing that we'd get a lot of mileage out in our house. "That dude seriously Fecked up," and such clever quips would certainly ensue. But, I simply missed it. I was lost in my daughter.
And I realize now that, despite her brood of children, my mom was once lost in me.
"...cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow,
For babies grow up, we've learned to our sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep."
Sweet, isn't it? I can already understand the feelings that inspired my mom to put up this poem. I take pride in keeping a tidy, comfortable home. But I find myself not minding the things that are out of place as much. Even as I look forward to each new day with Baby Girl, I'm jealous of every day that passes. Babies don't keep. My mom knew that.
Another reminder of my mom has been the Olympics. My mom was sick in 1988 for both the summer and winter Olympics, but I distinctly remember sitting upstairs on the bed with her and watching different events and cheering on the Americans (my poor, displaced, American mother living in Canada. Sigh.). I've loved watching the events even more because of those memories of lying on the bed with my mom.
I've adored getting to make new memories of the Olympics by being at home with Baby Girl throughout the London games, too. Granted, the memories have really been of staring at Baby Girl while I hear a low hum in the background. I've stared at her delightfully expressive little face as she's eaten or started falling asleep or, really, done anything. Whenever I put a bottle in her mouth, she grimaces in disgust and clicks her tongue a few times until it hits her that this is manna from baby heaven, and she partakes with vigor. And when she's falling asleep, she goes from sleepy smiles and giggles to shudders and frowns and little panting sighs in the blink of her half-closed eyes. It's hilarious, and I'm glued to her face.
In fact, I've missed out on significant events because of my enamor of Baby Girl. 22 came home several days ago laughing about the German diver, Stephen Feck, and his epic fail of a backward belly flop. Straight 0s. Knowing that it was all Olympics, all day for me, 22 naturally asked me what I thought. Normally, this is the sort of thing that we'd get a lot of mileage out in our house. "That dude seriously Fecked up," and such clever quips would certainly ensue. But, I simply missed it. I was lost in my daughter.
And I realize now that, despite her brood of children, my mom was once lost in me.
"Babies don't keep."
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
I am a mom...
I've never written a blog post before. I don't have a clue what I'm doing. And I'm absolute rubbish at starting a story in the middle. But that's what I'm going to attempt to do.
I am a mom. This isn't meant to yield commentary on my own identity, worth, or existence. I like me. I like me independently of other people, including my rad husband and wicked awesome daughter, independently of my career, and even independently of my dress size or the state of my toenails (currently navy blue and chip free). I think I was cool before I was a mom. I think I'll be cool as a mom. I was happy before I was a mom. I'm happy (and intend to continue to be happy) as a mom.
Did I mention I'm a mom?
I have been for 15 days. I'm 32 and 11/12 and I've been married for 11 and 11/12 years. This - motherhood - shouldn't come as such a shock to me. I've been hoping and praying for this opportunity for the eight years Hubsters and I have been trying (Hubsters, AKA 22, Tiger, Sugarfoot, Dice, Shredder, and more of such inside joke nicknames than I can probably recount). I won't get into the failed fertility treatments, the fact that, in my mid 20's I had the egg quality of a much more "mature" woman (Betty White style), or the heartbreak of IVF. I won't relate here the strong "no" answer we received when praying about trying further fertility treatments. I won't even explain to you the progress of our going from wondering if we should adopt, to wanting a "closed adoption," to attending an adoption seminar that opened our eyes to the beauty and blessing of an open adoption. Heck, I won't even tell you what an unbelievable turning point it was in our minds when we met with the girl who would become our birth mother (AKA FaveGirl) and immediately we developed a real understanding of the abounding, selfless, unconditional love that birth moms have for their children and their adoptive couples, and the love we have for them.
Suffice it to say that four weeks to the day after we met with our birth mom, 22 and I became parents to this incredible little angel. And boy, is she ever stuck with us because we are in crazy, stupid, complete love with this kiddo.
So, after all this, did I actually start in the middle or just explain to you the ways in which I wouldn't start at the beginning? Well, deal with it. I have mom brain now. And I love it.
I am a mom. This isn't meant to yield commentary on my own identity, worth, or existence. I like me. I like me independently of other people, including my rad husband and wicked awesome daughter, independently of my career, and even independently of my dress size or the state of my toenails (currently navy blue and chip free). I think I was cool before I was a mom. I think I'll be cool as a mom. I was happy before I was a mom. I'm happy (and intend to continue to be happy) as a mom.
Did I mention I'm a mom?
I have been for 15 days. I'm 32 and 11/12 and I've been married for 11 and 11/12 years. This - motherhood - shouldn't come as such a shock to me. I've been hoping and praying for this opportunity for the eight years Hubsters and I have been trying (Hubsters, AKA 22, Tiger, Sugarfoot, Dice, Shredder, and more of such inside joke nicknames than I can probably recount). I won't get into the failed fertility treatments, the fact that, in my mid 20's I had the egg quality of a much more "mature" woman (Betty White style), or the heartbreak of IVF. I won't relate here the strong "no" answer we received when praying about trying further fertility treatments. I won't even explain to you the progress of our going from wondering if we should adopt, to wanting a "closed adoption," to attending an adoption seminar that opened our eyes to the beauty and blessing of an open adoption. Heck, I won't even tell you what an unbelievable turning point it was in our minds when we met with the girl who would become our birth mother (AKA FaveGirl) and immediately we developed a real understanding of the abounding, selfless, unconditional love that birth moms have for their children and their adoptive couples, and the love we have for them.
Suffice it to say that four weeks to the day after we met with our birth mom, 22 and I became parents to this incredible little angel. And boy, is she ever stuck with us because we are in crazy, stupid, complete love with this kiddo.
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| Born July 16th, 2012 at 3:45 PM. 5 lbs 11 oz, 18.5 inches long. And cuter than you can imagine. I was there for the delivery, and it was awe-inspiring. (Though, in the interest of full disclosure, during the moments I watched her be born, I thought, what is wrong with her head? She looked a little Pharaoh, if you know what I mean...) |
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| When I held her only a few minutes after she was cleaned up, I was all in. Love at first sight. |
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| Hubsters giving a rare actual grin. Baby Girl...well, she's probably pooping. |
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| Day two in my arms. Sigh. |
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| Her first glam shot in the hospital. Ha! |
So, after all this, did I actually start in the middle or just explain to you the ways in which I wouldn't start at the beginning? Well, deal with it. I have mom brain now. And I love it.
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