In two weeks, I will return to work from leave and from the three greatest months of my life. I know it's only for a short time, but the idea of even being gone for two months has been killing me. I'm blessed that my wonderful in-laws will be coming down to watch her, so I know she will be with people w ho love her. But I can't help but think that she won't be with the person best suited to love and care for her in the world: me.
I don't remember very much about my mom. I remember little things, like her picking a dry frosted flake from my cereal bowl once and what her hand looked like as she did so. I remember her voice and especially her laugh, low and throaty. I remember her reading the Wizard of Oz to us on a road trip. And I remember a song she used to sing to me called "The Little Blue Man." It was funny and silly and cute, and it has stayed in my head for twenty plus years. " 'I wub you, I wub you,' said the little blue man."
As little as I remember about her, I know that my mom loved me because all of those cute little things she did. I try to do things like this for Baby Girl every day. But it terrifies me to think that something could happen where she wouldn't remember me and those little things. And more than that, it terrifies me to think that she could ever doubt that I love her more than anything. More than everything. I know that she feels perfectly loved right now. I see it in her grin a hundred times a day. I see it in the way she scrunches her little hands up to her face when I'm hugging her and kissing her perfect, round cheeks. I feel it in the way that she snuggles against me when I'm holding her. The idea that one day this could change - that she could forget how perfectly I love her because something happens to me or, worse still, that she could simply feel unloved for any reason whatsoever - causes me physical pain. My gut and throat and face hurt just thinking about it. Which I've been doing far too often as I've realized that I'm returning to work in two weeks. Thirteen days, actually. That countdown looms over me.
Baby Girl, I love you. Please don't feel like I'm abandoning you for these two months that I can already promise you will be two of the hardest of my life. Please never forget that I waited eight years for the privilege of being your mom, and I would have waited 80 just for the chance to hold you. You are perfect and beautiful and clever and sweet and strong and so, so silly. You have turned an already happy life into something transcendent. Please, please never forget that.
I love you more than everything.
I truly can't imagine Elsie ever doubting your love for her! I can literally feel it in every picture and description you post on FB. I sometimes find myself wishing you were my mom too. :) We can't wait for Elsie to come up and do the cougar run but more importantly to meet her in December.
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