How it all went down - Part II

On July 15th, 22 and I went to dinner at FaveGirl's sister's house.  It was actually a family birthday party for her cousin, so it was a good chance for us to get to know most of her family pretty well.  The evening was really comfortable, as we'd hoped it would be, and we found ourselves feeling more connected than ever to FaveGirl.

When we got home from dinner (they live about an hour away from us), I texted her to thank her for the great time and to let her know how much we'd loved getting to meet everyone.  I got a text from her shortly after saying how much they'd enjoyed it, too.  By this time, it was around 10 PM.  Less than 30 minutes later, I got a phone call from FaveGirl's dad.  He said that we'd better pack a bag, because FG's water had just broke.

Ho.Ly.Crap.

He told us that he would call us from the hospital with updates and to get as much rest as we could that night, because it would be the last good night's sleep we'd have in a long time.  What he couldn't have known is that we hadn't been sleeping much since the day FG told us she knew we were supposed to be her daughter's parents.  What he probably imagined is that we definitely didn't get much sleep that night.  With as much composure as two frantic people can have, we hurried about putting together the various items we'd need the second Baby Girl came home.  We did laundry with the special dye free/scent free detergent you're supposed to use on baby clothes, watched multiple YouTube videos on how to install a car seat, set up the crib, sterilized bottles, etc, etc, etc.

At 5:30 AM on July 16th, we got a call saying that she wasn't much farther along, so she was being induced.  At 1 PM, we got the call to get to the hospital ASAP.

We arrived at around 1:30 PM, and we were ushered straight into FG's hospital room.  Her parents were there and her siblings were in and out.  She was in good spirit's, particularly as she'd been given an epidural.  Her doctor and nurses came in and out, checking on her, at which time 22 would politely leave.  We ran downstairs for a snack at around 3:10 PM, and we got a text from FG's dad five minutes later telling us to get back upstairs immediately.

22 stayed outside for the delivery, but FaveGirl wanted me to stay (as did I).  Baby Girl made her appearance after only about 25 or 30 minutes (3:45 PM).  I saw her the instant she came out.  It was the most surreal experience of my life.  She was tiny!  5 lbs, 11 oz, 18.5 inches long.  And with a ton of hair.  But, she also was blue and had a crazy Pharaoh-esque cone head.  I was awestruck, though, because as bizarre as that was, she was beautiful.  They asked me what her name was, and I told them. In that moment, I thought to myself, "Oh my gosh, is that really my baby?"  As the nurse started cleaning her up, FG's mom waved me over to see her, and the second I saw her up close, I was through.  All in.  Done.  In total and complete love.  The nurse finished cleaning her up, and she asked me if I wanted to trim the umbilical cord more.  I did it, and then she swaddled her up and gave her to me to hold.  I don't even think I cried for the dumb grin plastered on my face.  Then I remembered that Jeff didn't know.

A half hour after she delivered, FaveGirl was in a state to receive visitors, and 22 got to come in and see Baby Girl.  It was beautiful to see his face - normally rather nonchalant - light up.

We stayed until late that night, holding Baby Girl and supporting FaveGirl and her family.  FG was fantastic - already speaking to the reality she knew in her heart, that Baby Girl was ours.  She didn't hold her unless we asked her if she wanted to, and she asked us if it was okay for anyone else to come in or hold her, etc.  We felt really blessed by her love for us and Baby Girl.  And her love for Baby Girl was obvious.  When she'd hold her, she just stared with her heart in her eyes.  It was very touching, and it only increased my love and gratitude and awe for FaveGirl.

We left our two girls at the hospital that night (with FG's mom), and went home to try (and fail) to sleep.

How it all went down - Part I

The following is an email I sent to my family on July 7th, nine days before Baby Girl was born:

On June 10th, I received an email from (FaveGirl) regarding our adoption profile.  In the email, she said that she had read our profile, was interested in us (though she wanted to make sure we knew she wasn't sure about anything yet), and then said that she had read about my mom having passed away when I was a kid.  She asked if I could send her a picture of Mom, because her dad had had an "experience" in the temple. 

I sent a picture 14 seconds later.

Several days went by with no communication, and we started to think it must have been nothing.  Then five days after I emailed her, I received her reply saying the picture helped a lot and she wanted to meet us soon for lunch, if that would be okay.  Um, yes.

On June 18th, we met FaveGirl and her older sister for lunch.  We were skeptical and a little hesitant about meeting her, but we felt good about how accurately we represented ourselves in our profile, so we were sure that she would get a good read on us.  We just weren't sure what to expect from her.  Since the adoption seminar we attended last November for certification, we've learned that there is a broader array of birth mothers than we'd originally expected.  Yet, we didn't know what to expect and we were a little fearful that she would be someone we didn't feel any connection with.  We couldn't have been more wrong.

Now for some quick facts about FaveGirl.  She is 19, teaches ballet, and is beautiful, with pale skin and wavy light brown hair.  Her favorite books are anything by Jane Austen, Charles Dickens, Shakespeare, JK Rowling, JRR Tolkien, or the Bronte Sisters.  London is her favorite city.  Her favorite bands are the Smiths, the Cure, the Specials, Deathcab for Cutie, Mumford and Sons, Sufjan Stevens, and other such indie and classic alternative legends.  She grew up loving the movies Labyrinth and Legend, and her dream Halloween costume is the dress that the girl in Legend wears when she's tempted by Tim Curry (AWESOME).  She loves the Simpsons, Young Frankenstein (and Mel Brooks in general), Doctor Who, and she can quote Anchorman as well as we can.  It's honestly spooky.

She said she knows her daughter needs to have an eternal family, and she can't give her that.  Oh, and that's when she mentioned she's due at the end of July.

In short, she's incredible and we fell in love with her after 15 minutes.  Our connection was immediate and overwhelming.  As 22 put it, we were "blown away" by her maturity, her ownership of her situation, her coolness, sweetness, and how much she is seeking to follow the will of the Lord.  At lunch, she let us know that she wanted us to meet her parents, but because of her mom's work, we wouldn't be able to for a couple of weeks.  However, just the day after we met for lunch, we got an email saying that she felt like we were supposed to be the parents of her daughter and she wanted us to have the same spiritual conviction.  Again:  Um, yes.

We waited for about two weeks, during which time we exchanged another couple of emails (and suffered through some silences that felt like ages), but we finally were able to meet with her and her parents today for a 4.5 hour lunch.

Almost the first thing her dad said to me was, "You look exactly like your mom."  I started crying immediately.  He said that a few months ago, he was at the temple when a beautiful, thin woman with short blond hair approached him, bowed with her hands extended, and said "Thank you."  He knew in that moment that she was a relative of the family his granddaughter was supposed to go to.  This was a couple of months before FaveGirl saw our profile.  He told her about the experience, and they looked through every AZ profile on LDS Family Services for someone who looked like that woman.  Ours was the last one they saw.  He told me that when he saw my picture, he felt sure it was us, but he wanted FaveGirl to feel a connection to us, first.  She told him that she felt really drawn to us, and that's when they decided that they should ask for the picture of mom.  He said when he saw it, it was over for him.  He knew that his granddaughter was going to us, even though he'd rather be able to keep her.  And today, FaveGirl told me that when we met up for lunch, the moment she saw me, she felt her daughter recognize me. 

FaveGirl was really upfront today about her feeling that this little girl is meant to go to us.  We're humbled and excited by this, but we also know that no matter how perfectly, divinely orchestrated this seems, it can't trump her agency.  We pray (somewhat obsessively) that she'll have the strength and faith to follow God's will for this special daughter of his.  Her family wants to have an open adoption, and they'd love as much interaction with us as we're comfortable with, though they told us they understand that any interaction we have will be on our terms and with appropriate boundaries.  They are fun, really sweet, and very supportive of FaveGirl.  It's obvious that they love this little girl a great deal and, as hard as it is for them to imagine her not being in their family, they want what's best for her.

And that's where we are now.  We still have about three weeks to go.... So in the meantime, I'm sure we'll have (more) sleepless nights and moments of panic and confusion and anxiety and elation and everything in between....  We're trying hard to keep our expectations in check. Ultimately we know that anything that happens is out of our hands, and all we can do is pray.

If you've read to this point, good on you!  Five points to Gryffindor!  We love you all and hope to have more for you soon.

Lots of love, etc.

Remembering Suzy

In the four weeks since Baby Girl has been home, I've thought constantly about my mom and remembered things I haven't thought about in years.  Because Baby Girl's adoption happened so quickly, I'm just now thinking how to decorate her room.  As I've done so, a poem came to my mind called "Song for a Fifth Child," by Ruth Hulburt Hamilton.  My mom had a cross-stitch of the last stanza featuring a woman rocking her baby up in our dining room.

"...cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow,
For babies grow up, we've learned to our sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep."

Sweet, isn't it?  I can already understand the feelings that inspired my mom to put up this poem.  I take pride in keeping a tidy, comfortable home.  But I find myself not minding the things that are out of place as much.  Even as I look forward to each new day with Baby Girl, I'm jealous of every day that passes.  Babies don't keep.  My mom knew that.

Another reminder of my mom has been the Olympics.  My mom was sick in 1988 for both the summer and winter Olympics, but I distinctly remember sitting upstairs on the bed with her and watching different events and cheering on the Americans (my poor, displaced, American mother living in Canada.  Sigh.).  I've loved watching the events even more because of those memories of lying on the bed with my mom.

I've adored getting to make new memories of the Olympics by being at home with Baby Girl throughout the London games, too.  Granted, the memories have really been of staring at Baby Girl while I hear a low hum in the background.  I've stared at her delightfully expressive little face as she's eaten or started falling asleep or, really, done anything.  Whenever I put a bottle in her mouth, she grimaces in disgust and clicks her tongue a few times until it hits her that this is manna from baby heaven, and she partakes with vigor.  And when she's falling asleep, she goes from sleepy smiles and giggles to shudders and frowns and little panting sighs in the blink of her half-closed eyes.  It's hilarious, and I'm glued to her face.

In fact, I've missed out on significant events because of my enamor of Baby Girl.  22 came home several days ago laughing about the German diver, Stephen Feck, and his epic fail of a backward belly flop.  Straight 0s.  Knowing that it was all Olympics, all day for me, 22 naturally asked me what I thought.  Normally, this is the sort of thing that we'd get a lot of mileage out in our house.  "That dude seriously Fecked up," and such clever quips would certainly ensue.  But, I simply missed it.  I was lost in my daughter.

And I realize now that, despite her brood of children, my mom was once lost in me.

"Babies don't keep."