My Writing Process

I was tagged by the lovely and talented Robin Hall, who writes YA and MG and fabulous blog posts here.  (We also both did a study abroad to Israel within a semester of each other!  Who knew?!)    

What am I working on?

*An R&R with a fabulous agent on a contemporary YA love story.  It's Mansfield Park meets Anna and the French Kiss, and I love it.  I hope she'll love the revisions!  

*Drafting another YA contemporary that I can't tell if I love or if I'm just writing to fill the time so I don't work on my second draft of the book I REALLY want to be revising while my mind is gearing up to query my Mansfield book in the event the agent with the R&R says no...  And now I'm wondering if that even makes sense.  Huh.  

*Doing random bits of research for yet another YA contemporary I want to write (and, oh my gosh, I want to write this so badly.  It involves cancer, but it's NOT a cancer book, and I think it has the power to be poignant and heart-wrenching and funny and fabulous.  But I'm scared of it due to my family history of cancer, so I need to let it just hang out for a while while I build up my courage.).

How does my work differ from others of its genre?  

Yeesh, uh, I guess I can't write without love being part of the story, but I don't feel like my books are romance novels.  YA contemporary has so much romance in it that I feel like my books are simply YA contemporary with liberal amounts of near-kisses and crushes (and real kisses).  


The hallmark of my work is, I feel, hope.  I haven't had the easiest of lives, yet I've always had carried an un-squelch-able optimism with me.  Maybe it hasn't been there in the absolutely darkest moments (and I certainly wouldn't want to read about someone who was so put together that she never had a truly dark moment), but I rebound pretty quickly.  I need that quality in my characters.  Because people who dwell on the darkness and choose to stay and wallow in it make me want to punch myself in the face.  

That said, I don't mind a little darkness in my books.  It just can't eclipse the light.

Why do I write what I do?  

I love young adult literature.  I think it's more honest than so much of the adult stuff that's published, because teens call bull-pucky on anything that isn't authentic.  I want to write books that my nieces and, one day, my daughter can read.  Books that entertain them but that can give them perspective without having to reach all the way down into the ugliest parts of life.  That may not even sound possible, but I feel like it is.  I don't mind grit and ugliness when it serves a purpose, but it needs to serve a purpose for me to justify including it.  I want my daughter to be proud of me when she's old enough to read my stuff.  And I want her to swoon over the cute boys without thinking her mom is gross for writing about kissing.  Which will totally happen, because I'm awesome and she'll always know that.  Always. 

How does my writing process work?

With the help of Mini Eggs and Diet Pepsi while my daughter naps.  

The second an idea takes hold, I have to write down whatever I "saw" of it.  The scene, the question that caused the "OH MY GOSH!" moment in my head, or whatever.  But then once it's written down, I like swimming in the idea for a while.  I like researching enough to understand what I can/can't do with it.  Then I think about the conflict and the plot.

I've recently started using beat sheets that I got from Jamie Gold's website.  They're incredibly helpful, and they're my favorite plotting tool (and my only plotting tool, honestly.  I don't love detailed plotting.).

Once that's done, I write at a decent pace, but not a breakneck one.  I don't like leaving ugly sentences and misspelled words on a page, so I correct those as I go.  If my first draft is too ugly, I won't want to do a second draft because it will feel overwhelming.  

Then it's off to my sissy-poo, who reads all my stuff before everything else, and I incorporate her feedback before revising and sending it off to my CP's.  I have two rounds of CP's and their accompanying revisions before I send the work to my brilliant teen beta readers for final approval.  Then...query time!  And hopefully soon, that means agent time, and editor time, and published book time.  :) 




I'd love to know your thoughts and, if you're a writer, your process!  In the meantime, I'm tagging the brilliant wordsmiths and grammarians, Heather Romito and Elizabeth Gilliland.  Check out their blogs next Monday for how they create awesomeness.

Addicted (AKA I'm a Writer)

Hi.  I'm Katy. 

You've probably never met a writer who's loved writing since she was a little kid, have you?  I mean, no one has had a lifelong passion for writing!  That's crazy!  

Right.  So, I'm a cliche in that regard, and when I inevitably have a book published (because I will, dang it.  I will!), that will likely go in my bio, just like it has gone in every author's bio since the dawn of storytelling.  (I'm willing to bet Sin-liqe-unninni's bio on the Epic of Gilgamesh says the same thing). And, like so many authors, I write because I can't not write.  (In other words, I don't write because I can, as the double-negative naysayers would correct, I write because I must.  Double-negatives serve a real purpose, people!)

The first stories I ever wrote were drawings of "The Heart People."  I would draw hearts and then give them eyes (and eyelashes, for the ladies) and smiles and stick arms and legs.  They were usually going down slides or swinging at the park.  I would write six or eight pages on lined notebook paper, tie the pages together through the three holes down the left side, and write "25¢" on the top right corner of the title page.  Then I'd sell them to my dad and buy penny candies from the Red Apple or Canadian Grocery (the two stores in my village.  Yes, village.).  

It was awesome.  I was making candy money for something I loved!  I was hooked.

As I grew up, I gravitated towards English and writing classes.  In college, I switched from English to Philosophy, which included an astounding number of papers and an adherence to grammar and language rules that had been a bit looser in my English classes.  Thus was born my obsessive love of grammar (and love of breaking the right rules at the right time.  If that broken rule involves a comma and you're not Cormac McCarthy, though, stop it.  Stop it right now.).

After college, I always had at least two or three story ideas bouncing around in my head (sometimes as many as eight or ten).  On my lunch break at work, I'd often stay at my computer and email ideas and scenes to myself.  I played around with a few of my ideas, but they were total turds.  Unreadable turds.  Then, one day, I had an idea that I thought was THE ONE.  I spent six years drafting and researching and world-building and writing this YA fantasy trilogy, then slashing and rewriting and re-revising it.  I even queried it to about 25 agents, had a couple of requests for partials, and won a "First 250 (words)" contest.  My beta readers loved the first book, and I loved the series more than I could handle.

Which is how I knew I had to let it go.  When people gave me suggestions, I'd roll my eyes, sure they just didn't get the story.  When someone mentioned a failing in my main character (who is totally, unequivocally, nerdfully me), I'd get mad.  

So I had to move on.

And I've been happy about my writing life ever since.  I blog with the clever, talented, fantastic Mormon Mommy Writers.  I completed two novels last year, including one for NaNoWriMo.  I have a completed novel that made it to the agent round of Pitch Madness and had six requests, and I've had a couple of other requests from other avenues.  I haven't formally started querying yet, but I feel incredible about this new book.  And I feel incredible about my (still unedited) NaNo novel, and...hopeful about my current WIP.  

I have no idea what will come of any of my works.  I'm optimistic that I'll find an agent and publish eventually (but that could very well be the famous family hubris talking).  Ultimately, though, it doesn't matter if I publish or not.  I write because I love thinking about the world in a different way.  I love helping my characters find themselves, a love interest or two, and the best pizza in their city.  I love exploring my deepest emotions and processing them on paper (or a laptop) for the world to see...or not to see.  It doesn't really matter.  

I'm addicted.

So, hello.  My name is Katy, and I'm a writer.

Stand for Something

I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Like the apostle Paul in the New Testament said, "I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ." I'm proud to belong to a religion that fills the world with so much good, and I don't mind people pulling a South Park and poking fun at us for being different. Because we are different. I am different. And I like it.

I like that when I stub my toe, a hundred words come to mind, and none of them are curse words. I like that the very idea of a cashier giving me back too much change makes my soul itch. I like that when I go to karaoke night, I don't have to be tipsy to work up the nerve to sing...I just wait for everyone else to be (so they won't remember me, or will at least remember me far more favorably than I deserve). I like having Family Home Evening on Monday nights with Hubsters and Baby Girl, even though our lessons are currently two minutes long and consist of a single scripture related to loving our neighbor (the subtext is "please don't hit people," which, at 20 months, Baby Girl is totally picking up on. Totally.). I like that even when I don't want to go to three hours of church on Sunday, by the time those three hours are up, I always feel better and closer to my Savior. I like that almost nothing makes me feel the Spirit more than serving others.

I like that many of the good things about Mormons aren't at all exclusive to Mormons. And I like belonging to a church that teaches its members to embrace the good in EVERYONE (whether or not we do it as well as we should...but then, that's not exclusive to Mormons, either).

What I don't like is when other people are leading a conversation about Mormons that has nothing to do with who we actually are, especially Mormon women.

In a culture increasingly confusing "equality" with "exacting sameness," many will look at our church and question why we have different groups for men and women. Why a Relief Society president has a different scope than a Bishop. Why so many women sacrifice successful careers to stay at home with their children when their husbands bring home the bacon and the glory (ha!). These questions, among others, were on my mind when a friend asked me recently to join Mormon Women Stand. I jumped at the opportunity.

I love that this group doesn't stand against anything. Those who've liked the page have done so because we want to help lead the conversation about what it means to be a Mormon woman. We want, as Elder Ballard said, to "Let (our voices) be heard in this great cause of the gospel of Jesus Christ."

Not everything I post has been or will be about my faith. I don't feel like it needs to be. Rather, my faith should influence everything I write. And when I inevitably fail by being too jaded or too snarky or too harsh about something, my faith will remind me that I can do better and try harder to love others--and myself. My faith will motivate me to be my best, just like your faith or belief system or core values motivate you.

We all make mistakes (and mistakes aren't the same as hypocrisy, no matter your religion). I believe a huge purpose of the mortal experience is to strive to make less and less mistakes and do more and more good. As Henry David Thoreau said, "Live your beliefs and you can turn the world around."

Let us all stand for something.

Staying at home

I've been a stay-at-home mom for all but two of the months I've been a mom. It's been wonderful.  I truly don't miss work at all.  I'm grateful that I was able to reach a lot of people and achieve a level of success that I feel reflects how hard I worked and how committed I was to excelling.  I was on billboards!  In commercials!  What?!  

(Okay, I'm embarrassed for myself right now.  Please, let's never mention this again.)

But the rewards I receive every day in Baby Girl's smile and her squeals when she sees me and her grabbing my hair or cheeks so she can eat my nose far eclipse all of the success I enjoyed at work.




I know that this doesn't mirror everyone's experience.  Baby Girl is fun, easy-going, and just so easy to make happy.  Sleep training was hard (for me, especially), but not insurmountable.  Feeding her can be trying because she's so social and wants to play more than eat.  But we all know she's not missing many meals.  For my friends who have to work or who have decided that it's necessary or important for their families/mental well-being/etc, I support you and your decision, because I know it wasn't made lightly.  I understand, too, the draw of contributing to the family income, being told you're doing a great job, and interacting with (hopefully) intelligent adults all day.  It's not just nice, it's gratifying (I won't list all of the reasons work also sucks far, far more than even the hardest day staying at home.).  But either way, it's your thing, girl.  Do what you wanna do. 




But recently I had an experience that I can't shake, and it confirmed to me the rightness of my place being at home.  More importantly, it strengthened my testimony of the divine role of motherhood and a child's need for the constant presence of her mother (particularly versus, say, a grandma.  Or an extra dad.).


I took Baby Girl to the library to play in the "First Five Years" play area.  While I was sitting on the floor playing with her at one of the little stations, a little girl of perhaps 6 or 7 sat near us, and her two littler sisters hovered nearby.  




"Is this your little baby?" she asked.




I smiled.  "Yes, she is."




"Do you work here?"




"Nope."




"Are you just here to play with your baby?"




"Yep.  We just came to play."

"Because you love your little baby?

"Yep."


She stared at me as if this was the most astonishing thing she'd ever heard.  Then she held open Where's Waldo and started to tell me about the book.  She asked me to play with her.  To read with her.  Her younger sisters came over and were almost sitting on my lap.  I talked to them about what they were reading and asked them a few questions.  They ate up the attention.  In that moment, I knew of a certainty that it wasn't just that a random woman was giving them attention.  It was that a mother was paying them attention.




It broke my heart.




As "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" teaches us:  "Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. ...Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children."




Everyone's situation is different, and I'm sure that if these sweet little girls have a mother, she is doing her best to take care of them, just as I am for Baby Girl.  But my place is at home with her, and I'm eternally grateful that I have the opportunity to be in my place.

"Just" Nothing


On Sunday, a friend of mine spoke in church and took the opportunity to first introduce her family, including her highly educated and accomplished husband.  When she got to herself, she said, "And I'm just a mom at home with the kids."




I felt like someone had tried to slap me.  And I felt like slapping her (just a little bit.  Lovingly). 




Before becoming a mom, I had a successful, high profile career for twelve years.  I was very well respected at work and only had more opportunities in front of me.  When my years of infertility were finally rendered obsolete (YAY!), I returned to work for a short time, but ultimately decided to stay home.  When I left my job, I was overwhelmed by the number of people who reached out to me with their regrets (and support).  Yet now, not even nine months after I closed my office door for the last time, conferences and trainings and site visits are all still happening.  My former coworkers are going to lunch together.  My boss has taken my replacement under his wing, complete with inside and practical jokes.  My directors are thriving under the new regime.  All without me.


On the other hand, when I leave my kid for two minutes to go to the bathroom, it's like the apocalypse has come early at our house (okay, not quite, but you get the picture).  I’ve never felt more important, loved, wanted, needed, or fulfilled.  Instead of managing grown ups who too frequently choose not to change or grow, I get to shape the entire life of someone who is constantly developing and learning and laughing and calling the wrong things “Daddy!”  I love it.  So when someone says "just" to staying at home, it saddens me.  And I'm not alone.


Patricia Holland, wife of LDS Apostle, Jeffrey R. Holland, said:

"If I were Satan and wanted to destroy a society, I think I would stage a full-blown blitz on women. I would keep them so distraught and distracted that they would never find the calming strength and serenity for which their sex has always been known.

Satan has effectively done that, catching us in the crunch of trying to be superhuman instead of striving to reach our unique, God-given potential within such diversity. He tauntingly teases us that if we don’t have it all—fame, fortune, families, and fun, and have it all the time—we have been short-changed and are second-class citizens in the race of life. As a sex we are struggling, our families are struggling, and our society is struggling."1

She said this in 1987, over 25 years ago.  We all know the problem has only gotten worse.  We feel the pressure everywhere we go, sometimes even at church.  We see it in the media, read it in books, and are slapped in the face with it so frequently, our cheeks are numb. (And that’s not even mentioning Pinterest!)  Satan has one message for us as women:  you’re not enough.  You’re never enough. 

Bullpucky.




My mom passed away when I was a little girl.  I scour photo albums for glimpses of her (she hated having her picture taken) and pour over the baby journal she kept for me, eager to glean hints of her personality.  I pepper my grandma with questions about her and relive memories with my siblings.  When my dad or her old friends tell stories, I listen with wide eyes, an open heart, and a tightly closed mouth.  I cherish memories of the holidays that she took pains to make special, not because of the hand-crafted decorations-matching-the-invitations-matching-my-dress, but because of the thoughtful, personalized touches that made you know it was for you, not her. I revel in her wit and sass.  I admire her kindness and charity and the fact that virtually every woman in our small town felt that she was, in fact, my mom’s best friend.  I delight in her competitiveness and intelligence and her love of adventure and thirst for knowledge.  I miss her voice.  

She is with me always, a part of my world, an integral part of my identity, regardless of how little time I actually spent with her - less time than my career, in fact.  If someone tried to tell me she "just" stayed at home, I wouldn't be able to laugh or even grow angry at their ignorance.  I'd pity them.  


I respect the heck out of those moms who work, whether it's by choice or not.  It's hard and it's sometimes frustrating and it's sometimes wonderful.  And having experienced over a decade of unwanted childlessness, I know you can be happy and fulfilled in your life/marriage/career/church calling without a child.  Whatever path we find ourselves on, we can know joy and know our Heavenly Father, if we want to.   

There’s no “just” to any of our lives.  No woman is “just” single or married or working or at home or any combination thereof. 

And no woman has ever, ever, ever “just” been a mom.




1. Holland, Patricia. "One Thing Needful: Becoming Women of Greater Faith in Christ." LDS.Org. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 01 Oct. 1987. Web. 26 Aug. 2013.

Big Shoes to Fill

In 2004, Hubsters and I decided we wanted to start trying to have kids.  I say "start trying" now, but at the time, it was more a "let's have kids" sort of mentality.  Because, you know, why wouldn't we just get pregnant right off the bat?  (Okay, I knew there was virtually no way I'd be getting pregnant easily, but the naiveté of youth made me sufficiently hopeful to assume that, sure, despite that little fact of having the "cycle" (let's keep this G rated, people) of an anorexic Olympic runner, it'll happen.).  Fast forward a few years, several rounds of clomid and several dozen doctor's visits between three different specialists, and I was a little more practical.  Dejected, too, yet still hopeful, because that's sort of my thing.

My sister and I were at Target buying shoes for her beautiful daughter, who was a baby at the time.  I walked by a pair of little brown Mary Janes and just stopped.  

A desperate need filled my heart.  For the shoes, for a baby, for the answer to my urgent, relentless prayers.  I bought them.  And I hid them in the back of a really boring drawer so 22 (my husband) wouldn't find them, because I knew how sad he would be that I was torturing myself with the cuteness of these little Mary Janes.  Through more and more doctor's appointments, tests, and two failed rounds of IVF, these little shoes sat in the back of my drawer.  They represented everything I wanted.  Everything I feared I would never have.  When I pulled them out on occasion to look at them, a fierce battle between agony and hope raged in my chest.  Regardless of the future, I knew I'd never throw them away.  They were too precious.  More precious than cute, even.  Sometimes when I saw them, my throat caught.  Sometimes a sob ripped through me. But other times, I just smiled.  Agony won many a battle, but even without having a child, I think hope was always winning the war.

Maybe a year after I bought and hid these darling little shoes, we moved into our house, and 22 unpacked my sock drawer box and found them.  He was a little sad for me, but he was drawn to them, too.  When we went to England as a "consolation" for our failed IVF (and by consolation, I mean "my way of emotionally blackmailing 22 to finally get the vacation I'd wanted for like nine years"), he even suggested we buy a little Oxford t-shirt to add to our "collection." At the time, the shirt looked so tiny.  We couldn't imagine anything smaller!  It should fit Baby Girl when she's two.

At any rate, those shoes stayed with me.  They were at the back of my drawer when we received the distinct answer to prayer that we should not pursue IVF any further.  They were at the back of my drawer when I encountered more and more success at work - and when I decided to allow myself to enjoy that success.  They were at the back of my drawer when we went on seriously awesome vacations, when we bought beautiful things for our home, when we unabashedly enjoyed the fruits of our labors rather than punishing ourselves for not being able to have children.   They were at the back of my drawer every single morning and every single night when we prayed for a child.  They were at the back of my drawer when I realized that I no longer wanted to try fertility treatments and that I yearned, sincerely, painfully, hopefully yearned, to adopt.

One perfect day in July of 2012, they were moved from the back of my drawer to my tiny, baby girl's closet.  

And they were in my baby's closet Friday, August 2nd, when I realized my daughter was finally big enough to fit into them.  

Baby Girl, these are some very, very big shoes you've filled.  More than filled.  You're so sweet and loving.  Nothing in the world makes you happier than seeing other people happy (except for doggies - you are OBSESSED with doggies.).  You're sassy and funny and clever in a way that already thrills me.  You work hard for the things you want and you ignore (well, throw) the things that you don't care about.  You would rather climb over a mountain than go around it, even if going around it is easier (or makes more sense, frankly.  But then, you're a baby.).  That's just your style.  And lest anyone ever, ever think that I expect perfection out of you, or that I expect you to live up to every hope and dream I ever had about a child, they're wrong.  I expect imperfection out of you, because that's what makes you unique and special and silly and flat out beautiful.   There never was a "hope for a perfect child" in my head.  Just a knowledge that I had a cute pair of shoes waiting for a baby who would be the perfect fit.  And that's you.

You make the shoes look good, kid.

Home again, home again, jiggety-jig

So, uh, hey there.  How are you?  Long time, right?  I've been MIA, so let me catch you up on the haps over the last several months.

• Our day in court!  It was a neat experience to have the judge pronounce us officially as a family...but it was just the penultimate.  The warm-up, if you will.  The judge had the power to pronounce us a family till we die.  But that's not what we're in this for.  Eternity or bust, if you will.

The Whites...officially!

• We were sealed in the Mesa LDS temple for time and all eternity.  It was so special to have (some of) our family and friends join us for the most special day of our lives together.  When Baby Girl's hand was placed on ours in the sealing room, I don't think there was a dry eye in the room.  Incredible experience, one I'll never forget.

Practice run seeing the Mesa Temple lights

After we had been sealed for time and all eternity (and, yes, I'd dyed my hair redder for the occasion)

• I returned to work on Halloween.  It was awful.  I found that "awful" became "barely tolerable" after the first couple of weeks, but it was a no-brainer that I was going to leave.  It was hard saying goodbye to friends, but for the close friends, I know it won't really be goodbye (and I've already been able to prove that with several of them).  There were tiny flickers of temptation and reminders that accolades and success feel really, really nice.  Ultimately, though, it was a ridiculously easy decision to make.  A non-decision, really.  December 31st was a great day.

Last day in the office

• Baby Girl had her first Thanksgiving and her first Christmas (and New Years, and Martin Luther King Jr. Day, and...you get the picture), and they were beyond special and fun.  We made a point of getting BG "presents" that we were already planning to get her (being a cute new mom is fun, and all, but she thinks wrapping paper is a plate of truffles, y'all.  She doesn't care about presents), and we all had new pajamas.  I woke up early and brought BG in to "wake up" Daddy.  Cutest thing, watching 22's face.    

Halloween - we went to Birth Mom's family's Halloween party - it was a "Witch and Wizard" theme.  So we went as Wizards.  Washington style.  

Christmas

• New teeth, waving, shaking her head, sitting up, eating real food, saying "da da," "ba ba," "blah," "bthe," and "boof."

First tooth!

Getting her snack on

• Having random strangers consistently try to touch her and hold her and squeeze her...turns out that NEVER gets old.  EVER.  

• DISNEYLAND!  Baby Girl rocked that sucker (and Huntington Beach, and museums, and Wahoo's Fish Tacos black beans) like a champ.  Mickey made a guest appearance in her weekly bear pic.  She thought he was delicious, of course, but let's face it:  she has rubbish taste.  Girl.Eats.Anything.

Huntington Beach Pier

Mickey's special appearance

• BG went to her first spring training game!  The short stop for the White Sox, whom we were seeing, saw me with BG and tossed her a ball! How cute is that?

• Oh, and what else has been happening?  About eleventy million other cute things.  :)  

The last 8 1/2 months have been the best and happiest of my (already happy) life.  I pray every day to my Heavenly Father to thank him for each of these moments, and so many more.  I'm thankful every day, too, that 22 and I were committed to being happy in our blessings before BG came along, rather than focusing on the blessings we lacked.  In every possible way, she has only amplified (greatly) what joy was already there.  I think if we hadn't been living to have joy (2 Ne 2:27), we couldn't have experienced this new level of joy so fully.  So, for my dear friends who are still struggling with this trial that we struggled with for so long, be happy.  Happiness multiplied by misery ultimately doesn't yield happiness.  Happiness multiplied by happiness, however, equals crazy happiness.  

And I like it.

Remembering Suzy Part II

In two weeks, I will return to work from leave and from the three greatest months of my life.  I know it's only for a short time, but the idea of even being gone for two months has been killing me.  I'm blessed that my wonderful in-laws will be coming down to watch her, so I know she will be with people w ho love her.  But I can't help but think that she won't be with the person best suited to love and care for her in the world: me.

I don't remember very much about my mom.  I remember little things, like her picking a dry frosted flake from my cereal bowl once and what her hand looked like as she did so. I remember her voice and especially her laugh, low and throaty.  I remember her reading the Wizard of Oz to us on a road trip.  And I remember a song she used to sing to me called "The Little Blue Man."  It was funny and silly and cute, and it has stayed in my head for twenty plus years.  " 'I wub you, I wub you,' said the little blue man."

As little as I remember about her, I know that my mom loved me because all of those cute little things she did.  I try to do things like this for Baby Girl every day.  But it terrifies me to think that something could happen where she wouldn't remember me and those little things.  And more than that, it terrifies me to think that she could ever doubt that I love her more than anything.  More than everything.  I know that she feels perfectly loved right now.  I see it in her grin a hundred times a day.  I see it in the way she scrunches her little hands up to her face when I'm hugging her and kissing her perfect, round cheeks.  I feel it in the way that she snuggles against me when I'm holding her.  The idea that one day this could change - that she could forget how perfectly I love her because something happens to me or, worse still, that she could simply feel unloved for any reason whatsoever - causes me physical pain.  My gut and throat and face hurt just thinking about it.  Which I've been doing far too often as I've realized that I'm returning to work in two weeks.  Thirteen days, actually.  That countdown looms over me.

Baby Girl, I love you.  Please don't feel like I'm abandoning you for these two months that I can already promise you will be two of the hardest of my life.  Please never forget that I waited eight years for the privilege of being your mom, and I would have waited 80 just for the chance to hold you.  You are perfect and beautiful and clever and sweet and strong and so, so silly.  You have turned an already happy life into something transcendent.  Please, please never forget that.

I love you more than everything.

How it All Went Down - Part III

We were at the hospital bright and early Tuesday morning with Pepsi in hand for FaveGirl and her mom, who had spent the night in the hospital.  I was blown away by how gracious FG was about us holding Baby Girl virtually all day and how, just like the day before, she only held her if we offered (which we tried to do often).  It was humbling to see how much she viewed Baby Girl as our daughter from such an early stage.  Of course, with all of the miraculous spiritual promptings and signs she and her family had received, it seemed natural.  Being around FG and her family felt natural, too, something I hadn't expected despite how comfortable we'd felt around them throughout the process.

We spent a beautiful day together, watching the hospital's mandatory new baby videos and laughing at them, to some extent ("Wait, you're not supposed to shake your baby?"  "So, let me get this straight, car seats are important?").  We switched between those and "Walker, Texas Ranger" reruns.  22 and I are big on watching and making fun of lame television, so it was fun to do that with FG and her rotating cast of family and her best friend.  It was effortless, and it gave us insight into what Baby Girl will be like with the combination of nature and nurture.  FG is a really introspective, observant person, as well as being humble and clever.  She has a great read on people, and a good eye for the absurd.  She's like 22 in those respects.  But then she's sassy, wry, and she can be outgoing - even outspoken and passionate - in the right setting.  Like me.  So 22 and I see in her many characteristics of what we would expect to cultivate in our own daughter.  She had even noticed how 22 can get uncomfortable with the spotlight on him, so she made a point of teasing him about that and putting him a little on the spot.  It was delightful.  Sharing the day together like this was special, and when it was time for us to take Elsie home and for FG to get discharged, it was sad to say goodbye.

When we got home, my brother and his wife were there with two of their three kids.

They had food and a goodie basket for Baby Girl with clothes, blankets, baby hygiene products, and more.  Talk about a huge blessing.  BG was so little that none of the things I'd bought for her would fit her, but my amazing sister-in-law found small enough newborn stuff that it fit perfectly.  She's sort of magic that way.  Seeing my brother hold my daughter made us both cry.

We spent a few hours all marveling and staring at her, and then they went home and 22 and I stared at her the rest of the night in lieu of sleeping.

 

I really can't describe how we felt having her at home with us that night.  The closest way to explain it is this - you know the very, very end of Kill Bill vol. 2?  (It's on cable about twice a week, so you can catch it anytime you want to.)  When Beatrix Kiddo is lying on the bathroom floor crying and laughing and saying "Thank you, thank you, thank you."  That's how it felt.  When we prayed that night, we actually laughed with joy as we thanked our Heavenly Father for the miracle that we'd just received in BG.  It was the most beautiful prayer of my life.  Hubsters gave our daughter a Father's Blessing that night, too, and it was more of the same: beautiful and tender and beyond special to see my husband blessing his daughter.  I fell in love with him more at that moment.  I hadn't realized that was possible.

The next day and a half were filled with bottles, diapers, naps, and an abundance of joy.  Every cry (of which there were truly few) was a pleasure to respond to, as it still is.  The late night/early morning wake ups were met with delight on our part.  There was also a lot more awe-induced staring.

Then came Thursday.  Signing day.  The day FG could legally place Baby Girl with us permanently. Or not.  When we thought of FG and our relationship, we felt totally confident in the outcome.  When we prayed, we felt at peace.  But when we thought for a moment of the other possibility, we felt devastated.  Our hearts were totally open and totally Baby Girl's.  The thought of losing her was more than we could process, but the fear was there.  Faith and fear cannot coexist, and we felt those extremes that day a thousand times.

The placement ceremony was at 4 PM at LDS Family Services in Mesa.  We had everything planned to leave early so we could get FG flowers and then have time to change and feed Baby Girl before everything started.  We had just strapped Elsie into the car seat and were heading out when spit up exploded out of her mouth and nose.  We freaked.  Was this a sign?  22 was trembling so badly, he couldn't take her out of the car seat, so I sang a little song (the Pie Song) to her while I tried to act far cooler than I felt.  I took her out, cleaned her up, put her in a new outfit, and then strapped her back in her seat, singing the whole time.  Needless to say, we forewent the flowers.

Our 35 minute drive to LDS Family Services brought us a lifetime worth of highs and lows.  We arrived at the agency about ten minutes early and chatted with our case worker while we started feeding Baby Girl.  This wasn't strategic to show what attentive parents we already were.  She was hungry.  I promise.  My brother and his family showed up a little before 4 PM, as did one of FG's brothers and his wife.  Soon, more of FG's family rolled in.  By 20 after, FG and her parents, though, still weren't there.  22 and I were getting nervous at this point.  We were half convinced we'd see them strolling in with a car seat in tow, ready to take Baby Girl back.  But at about 4:25 PM, FG walked in, smiled, and said something to the effect of, "Hey guys!  I'll talk to you in a bit after I sign the papers."

Dude.

So, she went to a room with our case workers and her dad to sign the papers.  It seemed to take forever, causing more panic.  Finally, after a wait that was a cross between six root canals and a violent stomach flu, she emerged, smiling.  We grabbed Baby Girl, ran into the room, and signed the &#*@$% papers in record time.

We left the room with stupid grins on our faces and Baby Girl in tow.  Then, our case workers asked everyone to share a brief thought about what this experience has meant to them.  FG's siblings and parents talked about the positive changes they'd seen in her over the last nine months and what an incredible, selfless person she had become.  Her dad said something I'll never forget: in every case since this whole thing started, FG has tried to follow what God wants, not what she wants.  When she and her boyfriend messed up, she told her parents and bishop the next day and started the repentance process.  When she found out she was pregnant a few months later, she again went to her parents and bishop and they talked about what the Lord's will is for these situations.  FG knew there was no chance at a successful marriage with her ex, so in talking to her family and bishop, they all felt strongly that adoption was the right choice.  FG decided this because she believed so strongly that Baby Girl deserved and needed to be sealed to an eternal family and needed two parents who could love and support her.  She couldn't give Baby Girl that.  So as much as it hurt her to consider placing her unborn baby, she also felt good about it, because she knew God wanted it.  FG's dad said that through all of this, he's been trying to find the downside.  Yes, his daughter made a big mistake, but she has chosen to become a better, stronger person, and we (Jeff and I) have been given a child for eternity.

I see what her dad is saying, and I agree.  Everyone makes mistakes.  It's what we do with them that counts.

FG and 22, oddly, had virtually identical remarks (she went first).  They talked about how they can't describe all that what they've gained from this and how this very meeting was like a glimpse of eternity.  It was neat seeing their perspectives from both sides of this experience.  As for me, all I could say was that she's like a sister to me, because there's no accurate word to describe what we are to each other.  I will love her forever, and I feel so blessed that she will love us all - our little family - too.

After lots of tears and laughs and a sweet father's blessing from FG's dad (with her brothers, 22, and my brother all taking part), we parted ways.  (FG and her best friend and sister were going to see the Batman Begins trilogy in the theater, ending with the release of "The Dark Knight Rises."  Told you we love her.)  On our way home, 22 and I laughed and cried, then called our parents to let them know Elsie was all ours so they could spread the word.

Our next call was to Papa John's to eat our first meal in days.  It was the best pizza of my life.

How it all went down - Part II

On July 15th, 22 and I went to dinner at FaveGirl's sister's house.  It was actually a family birthday party for her cousin, so it was a good chance for us to get to know most of her family pretty well.  The evening was really comfortable, as we'd hoped it would be, and we found ourselves feeling more connected than ever to FaveGirl.

When we got home from dinner (they live about an hour away from us), I texted her to thank her for the great time and to let her know how much we'd loved getting to meet everyone.  I got a text from her shortly after saying how much they'd enjoyed it, too.  By this time, it was around 10 PM.  Less than 30 minutes later, I got a phone call from FaveGirl's dad.  He said that we'd better pack a bag, because FG's water had just broke.

Ho.Ly.Crap.

He told us that he would call us from the hospital with updates and to get as much rest as we could that night, because it would be the last good night's sleep we'd have in a long time.  What he couldn't have known is that we hadn't been sleeping much since the day FG told us she knew we were supposed to be her daughter's parents.  What he probably imagined is that we definitely didn't get much sleep that night.  With as much composure as two frantic people can have, we hurried about putting together the various items we'd need the second Baby Girl came home.  We did laundry with the special dye free/scent free detergent you're supposed to use on baby clothes, watched multiple YouTube videos on how to install a car seat, set up the crib, sterilized bottles, etc, etc, etc.

At 5:30 AM on July 16th, we got a call saying that she wasn't much farther along, so she was being induced.  At 1 PM, we got the call to get to the hospital ASAP.

We arrived at around 1:30 PM, and we were ushered straight into FG's hospital room.  Her parents were there and her siblings were in and out.  She was in good spirit's, particularly as she'd been given an epidural.  Her doctor and nurses came in and out, checking on her, at which time 22 would politely leave.  We ran downstairs for a snack at around 3:10 PM, and we got a text from FG's dad five minutes later telling us to get back upstairs immediately.

22 stayed outside for the delivery, but FaveGirl wanted me to stay (as did I).  Baby Girl made her appearance after only about 25 or 30 minutes (3:45 PM).  I saw her the instant she came out.  It was the most surreal experience of my life.  She was tiny!  5 lbs, 11 oz, 18.5 inches long.  And with a ton of hair.  But, she also was blue and had a crazy Pharaoh-esque cone head.  I was awestruck, though, because as bizarre as that was, she was beautiful.  They asked me what her name was, and I told them. In that moment, I thought to myself, "Oh my gosh, is that really my baby?"  As the nurse started cleaning her up, FG's mom waved me over to see her, and the second I saw her up close, I was through.  All in.  Done.  In total and complete love.  The nurse finished cleaning her up, and she asked me if I wanted to trim the umbilical cord more.  I did it, and then she swaddled her up and gave her to me to hold.  I don't even think I cried for the dumb grin plastered on my face.  Then I remembered that Jeff didn't know.

A half hour after she delivered, FaveGirl was in a state to receive visitors, and 22 got to come in and see Baby Girl.  It was beautiful to see his face - normally rather nonchalant - light up.

We stayed until late that night, holding Baby Girl and supporting FaveGirl and her family.  FG was fantastic - already speaking to the reality she knew in her heart, that Baby Girl was ours.  She didn't hold her unless we asked her if she wanted to, and she asked us if it was okay for anyone else to come in or hold her, etc.  We felt really blessed by her love for us and Baby Girl.  And her love for Baby Girl was obvious.  When she'd hold her, she just stared with her heart in her eyes.  It was very touching, and it only increased my love and gratitude and awe for FaveGirl.

We left our two girls at the hospital that night (with FG's mom), and went home to try (and fail) to sleep.

How it all went down - Part I

The following is an email I sent to my family on July 7th, nine days before Baby Girl was born:

On June 10th, I received an email from (FaveGirl) regarding our adoption profile.  In the email, she said that she had read our profile, was interested in us (though she wanted to make sure we knew she wasn't sure about anything yet), and then said that she had read about my mom having passed away when I was a kid.  She asked if I could send her a picture of Mom, because her dad had had an "experience" in the temple. 

I sent a picture 14 seconds later.

Several days went by with no communication, and we started to think it must have been nothing.  Then five days after I emailed her, I received her reply saying the picture helped a lot and she wanted to meet us soon for lunch, if that would be okay.  Um, yes.

On June 18th, we met FaveGirl and her older sister for lunch.  We were skeptical and a little hesitant about meeting her, but we felt good about how accurately we represented ourselves in our profile, so we were sure that she would get a good read on us.  We just weren't sure what to expect from her.  Since the adoption seminar we attended last November for certification, we've learned that there is a broader array of birth mothers than we'd originally expected.  Yet, we didn't know what to expect and we were a little fearful that she would be someone we didn't feel any connection with.  We couldn't have been more wrong.

Now for some quick facts about FaveGirl.  She is 19, teaches ballet, and is beautiful, with pale skin and wavy light brown hair.  Her favorite books are anything by Jane Austen, Charles Dickens, Shakespeare, JK Rowling, JRR Tolkien, or the Bronte Sisters.  London is her favorite city.  Her favorite bands are the Smiths, the Cure, the Specials, Deathcab for Cutie, Mumford and Sons, Sufjan Stevens, and other such indie and classic alternative legends.  She grew up loving the movies Labyrinth and Legend, and her dream Halloween costume is the dress that the girl in Legend wears when she's tempted by Tim Curry (AWESOME).  She loves the Simpsons, Young Frankenstein (and Mel Brooks in general), Doctor Who, and she can quote Anchorman as well as we can.  It's honestly spooky.

She said she knows her daughter needs to have an eternal family, and she can't give her that.  Oh, and that's when she mentioned she's due at the end of July.

In short, she's incredible and we fell in love with her after 15 minutes.  Our connection was immediate and overwhelming.  As 22 put it, we were "blown away" by her maturity, her ownership of her situation, her coolness, sweetness, and how much she is seeking to follow the will of the Lord.  At lunch, she let us know that she wanted us to meet her parents, but because of her mom's work, we wouldn't be able to for a couple of weeks.  However, just the day after we met for lunch, we got an email saying that she felt like we were supposed to be the parents of her daughter and she wanted us to have the same spiritual conviction.  Again:  Um, yes.

We waited for about two weeks, during which time we exchanged another couple of emails (and suffered through some silences that felt like ages), but we finally were able to meet with her and her parents today for a 4.5 hour lunch.

Almost the first thing her dad said to me was, "You look exactly like your mom."  I started crying immediately.  He said that a few months ago, he was at the temple when a beautiful, thin woman with short blond hair approached him, bowed with her hands extended, and said "Thank you."  He knew in that moment that she was a relative of the family his granddaughter was supposed to go to.  This was a couple of months before FaveGirl saw our profile.  He told her about the experience, and they looked through every AZ profile on LDS Family Services for someone who looked like that woman.  Ours was the last one they saw.  He told me that when he saw my picture, he felt sure it was us, but he wanted FaveGirl to feel a connection to us, first.  She told him that she felt really drawn to us, and that's when they decided that they should ask for the picture of mom.  He said when he saw it, it was over for him.  He knew that his granddaughter was going to us, even though he'd rather be able to keep her.  And today, FaveGirl told me that when we met up for lunch, the moment she saw me, she felt her daughter recognize me. 

FaveGirl was really upfront today about her feeling that this little girl is meant to go to us.  We're humbled and excited by this, but we also know that no matter how perfectly, divinely orchestrated this seems, it can't trump her agency.  We pray (somewhat obsessively) that she'll have the strength and faith to follow God's will for this special daughter of his.  Her family wants to have an open adoption, and they'd love as much interaction with us as we're comfortable with, though they told us they understand that any interaction we have will be on our terms and with appropriate boundaries.  They are fun, really sweet, and very supportive of FaveGirl.  It's obvious that they love this little girl a great deal and, as hard as it is for them to imagine her not being in their family, they want what's best for her.

And that's where we are now.  We still have about three weeks to go.... So in the meantime, I'm sure we'll have (more) sleepless nights and moments of panic and confusion and anxiety and elation and everything in between....  We're trying hard to keep our expectations in check. Ultimately we know that anything that happens is out of our hands, and all we can do is pray.

If you've read to this point, good on you!  Five points to Gryffindor!  We love you all and hope to have more for you soon.

Lots of love, etc.